by Ashok Saraf, Tapasya Kollimarla, Keshav Vaze, Jayram Daya, Naresh Jotwani
Distress can be of different kinds. It may arise due to material needs not being fulfilled, or from situations beyond one’s control, such as acts of nature. Distress may be due to a man-made situation, like a conflict or an accident. Or it may arise from emotional stress, such as fear of failure, loss of a near one, illness, heart-break or a negative emotion.
Experiencing distress is an individual issue, while its cause may be widespread or specific to the individual. Some seek help openly; others do not seek help, but are happy to get it when it comes; and there are those who do not deserve help.
As a result, we are sometimes in a quandary, such as:
- Should I help that person?
- Does he deserve my help?
- How exactly should I help?
- Will the person be grateful for the help?
These are not easy questions to answer, and we make wrong judgements sometimes. Such is life. This post has been prepared with the firm belief that we will benefit from the views of experienced friends.
Ashok Saraf
When someone is in distress, there are two things to keep in mind. One is the objective understanding of the real situation around that person, and the other is his or her own perception, the subjective aspect. If you are not yourself going to drown in that distress, you should be aware of both of these aspects as objectively as possible, while being empathetic towards the second. That alignment would give you credibility, and help you help the person in distress to come around to understand the real situation. That in turn will get him or her prepared to face the situation, rather than be in distress.
Such help is crucial when a person has lost his or her objective thinking and is sunk in a well of distress. You can bring the person out of that well by showing the way, and perhaps even going down yourself into the well – but with your link to objective reality kept intact.
I have been fortunate to be with friends who helped me in this manner in my first year at IIT, and later in Holland after IIT. To these persons, I am forever indebted and grateful, and I love them as my kin.
Tapasya Kollimarla
The goal of any helping interaction should be to enable the other person to come out of distress – but not to pull them out by ourselves. We quickly jump in to solve problems for others, but that would cause more problems which may not be obvious at first.
Solving distress for others is like paying their rent. It leads to temporary relief, but in long term it leads back to distress or entitlement – both of which are not what we would want out of the helping interaction.
Listen to them with the mindset of a coach and partner; that should nudge the person to articulate the triggers, list down possible solutions, identify pros and cons of each one, and pick the one which they think would work best.
Where needed, acknowledge their feeling of being a drain on others; this is most evident in cases of physical disability.
Psychological distress comes from lack of safety, belonging and control; for example, anxiety of losing the job, goof-up in a social circle, fight with parents, family or boss et cetera.
In such cases, we need to build up the self-confidence of the person. A meaningful contribution to the solution is the most reliable way to achieve this. We may suggest a meaningful contribution that the person can make, but it is much better if the idea comes from the person only. Our aim should be trigger ways of thinking for the person to come up with their own ideas.
Jayram Daya
Sanatan Dharma provides guidelines for a virtuous life. Helping others is essential, but identifying genuine needs can be challenging. Some individuals have overcome adversity and can offer valuable support, while others may be struggling themselves, due to circumstances or lack of resources. It is crucial to distinguish between those who genuinely need help, and those with a lazy or exploitative mind-set.
To identify worthy individuals, interact with them, and assess their sincerity. Be cautious of those who demand help without openness. Trust your instincts and look for genuine gratitude.
My elder uncle, Mota Bapuji, lived in a village I used to visit. He was very poor, and made his living as a carpenter. My father could not help him much, and there was also some sibling rivalry. After my final results, I went to him with all the stuff I had accumulated during hostel life, and friends also pitched in some more. My uncle was overwhelmed with all the things, as he saw use for most of them. He had no children, and no one else to support him.
While leaving, I said, ‘Mota, from now on you consider me as your son. Anything you need, I will give you as soon as I start to work’. His reply and his tone stunned me, ‘Son, I will never beg or ask for anything. This is my destiny, just as what you brought me was with your own will’.
Indeed, many worthy people will never ask for help. We should be guided by love, respect and our gut feelings, as such worthy people are the ones who should be helped.
My family grew up with a Muslim friend who became a doctor. He had a lot of affection for me, as I reminded him of his brother, who had passed on. The doctor was a jovial and helpful person. One day, while sitting in his dispensary, I noticed farmworkers there with trays of eggs and live chicken. Was he opening a poultry shop? I asked him in jest.
The doctor swore me to secrecy and then said that he helped many poor farmworkers without charging a fee, as he found them to be worthy of help. The people were so sincere and grateful that whatever they had in their farms they brought to him in appreciation. At first, he would not accept such gifts, but then to please them and to acknowledge their gratitude, he accepted the gifts.
Sadly, the good doctor became a victim of Covid and passed on. From my interactions, I learnt that a worthy person is always full of gratitude and has a strong work ethic.
The Bhagavad Gita (Chapter 17, Verse 20) guides us to offer help without expectation, at the right time and place, to worthy individuals. This principle has helped me navigate situations where I wanted to assist. I learned to interact with people, ask questions and assess their willingness to overcome challenges.
Early in my career, I witnessed a close friend and colleague being terminated due to his outspoken objections to the company’s promotion policy. He was understandably distraught, and I took the opportunity to offer guidance and support during his difficult time. I encouraged him to view the situation as a chance for growth and exploration, rather than as defeat.
Years later, we reconnected, and I was thrilled to discover that he had gone on to become a highly experienced and successful IT professional. He credited our conversation, on the day of his termination, as a turning point in his life, which inspired him to pursue new opportunities and find his true calling. This experience taught me the power of positive influence and the importance of supporting others during challenging times.
Helping others requires empathy, understanding, and discernment. By following the principles of Sanatan Dharma and trusting our instincts, we can make a positive impact on those who genuinely need support.
My reflection on helping others and identifying those who genuinely need support will, I hope, guide others. I have shared valuable insights from my personal experiences and the wisdom of the Bhagavad Gita. Here is a summary of my key points:
- Identify worthy individuals by interacting with them and assessing their sincerity.
- Be wary of those who beg for assistance without disclosing their position.
- Trust your instincts and identify genuine gratitude from those you help.
- Some people, like my Mota Bapuji, may never ask for help, but would still appreciate support.
- Respect and love should guide us about whom to help.
My approach to helping others is rooted in empathy, understanding and a willingness to make a positive impact. My fond hope is that my experiences motivate the reader to help others who are worthy.
Keshav Vaze
The following is the English rendering of a Marathi poem कणा, meaning Backbone, by poet Kusumagraj, a Jnanpith Awardee. It is about a poor man who has lost all his meagre physical possessions, but not his wisdom and his spirit.
Backbone
‘Do you remember me, Sir?’ he asked.
He came in the rain,
With hair all too wet
And His clothes all too muddy.
He sat for a moment and then smiled,
And then he looked up and spoke.
‘River Ganges visited our home,
Like a married daughter coming back home.
She danced around in the house.
How would she return empty-handed?
Just my wife was spared.
The walls fell and the clay stove soaked,
Took whatever we owned.
And for the blessings of goodbye,
She only left tears in the eye.
With my wife by my side,
Sir, I am now fighting it all.
Am clearing up the sludge,
And building the broken wall.’
When my hand reached for the pocket,
he stood up with a laugh.
‘Not money, Sir, not money’, he said.
‘Just felt loneliness.
My life is Shattered to pieces, Sir,
But my spine still holds its might,
Put your hand on my back,
And just say, Go, fight!’
The poem is a tribute to the fighting spirit of common man, bravely facing life’s challenges.
[Editor’s note: ‘Go, fight!’, the message of the last line, is often the most critical element of the path to overcoming distress. Interested readers can find the original poem here.]
Naresh Jotwani
Distress is often caused by disagreement over a relatively minor ‘worldly matter’, such as what size TV to buy at home, or which customer is more valuable to a company. Shifting the discussion to longer term objectives relieves the distress, and may also help resolve the disagreement.
When two or more persons are focussing exclusively on some ‘worldly matter’, nobody is in the right frame of mind to think longer term. The minds are totally caught up in the ‘worldly matter’ at hand, and therefore closed to all else. The situation is as depicted in the schematic sketch below.
In quieter moments, we understand that we do not live for the TV, or for the customer. The TV and the customer serve a purpose which is larger. Usually that larger purpose is happiness, as in the famous phrase ‘pursuit of happiness’. Therefore, there are times when pulling one’s head out of a very narrow short-term goal is the right response to a distressing real-life situation. One may even call it a ‘smart tactical retreat’!
If we manage to do thus change the perspective of distressed persons, the situation changes to that shown in the second schematic sketch.
The essence of our previous post (here) is about switching to the long term view at a particular stage in life, so as to let the next generation deal with ‘worldly matters’. For the younger generation, it is that stage of life; they have a right to gain the experience. The pathological, tragi-comic inability to make that strategic switch is evidenced today in the political life of a certain so-called superpower. The afflicted person claims that he is ‘Running the world’, no less!
The approaches described, based on personal experiences, show that the subject is a complex one, with no simple answers. In some cases, ‘teaching them to fish, instead of feeding them fish’ may be the right approach; in others, both may be needed together, to tide over a difficult situation. In some cases, it may suffice to provide emotional support, while in others more thought and effort may be needed.
We trust the reader has found much food for thought in these points of view. We will be happy to hear from readers their own well-considered points of view, based on their own varied experiences in life. Shorter messages can be posted as comments, but we will also consider longer messages as possible posts on the blog.
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